Heavy, heavy ears. Let me ease your burden, sister.

Dear Angelina Jolie,

With all you do for the U.N., the poor of the world and your own diverse brood of wee ones, why must you burden your tiny self with such heavy earrings? Please, woman. You've done enough.

First of all, have you seen your neck? It's like a pencil for God's sake. I can only imagine that today, the day after the 09 Oscars, you are laid up in Namibia wearing one of those halo contraptions that broke-neck surfers always get themselves into. The headache must be intolerable.

Let me help. Let me give back.

Just pop those earrings into a bubble wrap envelope and have Brad run them over to the post office. I will wear them all the time when I am doing good works and if they make me ache with the burden of my own selflessness, then so be it!

Hugs!

Leslie's Dress/reflective garment

Dear Leslie Mann,

Did you see the Oscars last year? OMG, Renee Z.'s shoes!

But today I am writing regarding your reflective dress from last night's Oscar celebration. Shimmery, shiny, throwing-planes-off-their-flightpath-iridescent. My pupils are still dilated from the impact. Oh yeah, your dress is the Zellweger Glitter Shoes of 09! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I bet you are! If we put your dress with Renee's shoes, we'd have the hey-you-got-your-glitter-shoes-in-my reflective-dress, no-you-got-your-reflective-dress-in-my-glitter-shoes..hey, wait,-they-taste-great-together" moment of the decade.

And I'm the gal for the job. You and Renee...well, you have things to do, meals not to eat and such.

Why don't you just send me your reflective dress (UPS is fine) and I can take it out three sizes and then pair it with the Glitter Shoes? Good? Right?

And I already asked Renee for the shoes so that's, like, pretty much a done deal.

Thanks Leslie Mann.

P.S. Do you have a sequined clutch?

Hey there, sweet feet.

Dear Renee Zellweger,
I am a poor country girl.
Last year, I saw you walking down the red carpet at the Oscars in some disco heels that changed my life.

Well, they would change my life if I had them. Did I mention I am a poor country girl? If I had your Christian Laboutin mirror-y, glitterrific pumps, I would wear them in my poor country kitchen when I make meatballs. I would wear them when I got my Netflix out of the mailbox. Hey, Postman Bob, did my shiny feet just blind you? Careful! Drive the mailtruck slowly for a few blocks until your eyes readjust. I would wear them when I folded my burly husband's tee shirts while softly singing a church song.

Anyways, I was thinking those shoes look like they pinch. You're a big movie star and not some country girl so you shouldn't have to tolerate such nonsense. I can handle pinching because I am a woman with strong legs who can lift a cow if needed. And I'd like to do it in those twinkle toes shoes. If you get them in Fedex today I could have them by Wednesday so I could wear them with Leslie Mann's disco ball dress from this year's Oscars. Which means I have another letter to write. What an outfit! Dear Leslie Mann...