I am a danger to myself. The jacket is the answer.

Dear Mr. Calvin Klein,

Noticed your new jackets on the runway, and as I do have a tendency to fall unexpectedly and am often covered in bruises—I do appreciate padding a garment in order to to save one from one's self. Some believe this is self-harm, but I beg to differ—I am really just that clumsy. A "special" person such as myself needs just such a "special" person jacket (preferably in blue).

Now Spring is fast approaching and I'm sure you are having the staff ready the Hamptons Estate, so what good are these coats to you? The air temperature is rising, and this is way too much jacket for a balmy Long Island eve. I'm sure you have a few sample's lying around and you shouldn't hesitate to send one my way. I would boast to all of my friends how gracious you are, how youthful and macho—a rare man among men. Then I'd ask them to punch me in the arm as hard as they could just to see if I could feel it.

Bear hug to Lizzie Grubman for me

It puts the lotion on it's skin-coat

Dear Mr Eric Kim,

So far this year there is nothing so sweet as your motorcycle jacket. It is a work of art, that should be hanging in a museum. I hate you for making me feel this way. Slightly out-of-control, on the verge of laughing or crying—I can't decide. Is this what they call hysteria? Are you making me hysterical at the sight of your buttery, caramel-colored jacket?

Let's face it, this model doesn't deserve to wear such a perfect piece of outerwear. He can't appreciate it's perfection. He probably can't even spell perfection. I on the other hand, would never take it off. I would sleep in it, go to the gym in it and even make love in it. Hell, I will make love TO it. Slow, sweet love. If only you would send it to me. Heck, we're both in the same city, I'll stop by and pick it up.

[finger phone] Call me!