I am a danger to myself. The jacket is the answer.

Dear Mr. Calvin Klein,

Noticed your new jackets on the runway, and as I do have a tendency to fall unexpectedly and am often covered in bruises—I do appreciate padding a garment in order to to save one from one's self. Some believe this is self-harm, but I beg to differ—I am really just that clumsy. A "special" person such as myself needs just such a "special" person jacket (preferably in blue).

Now Spring is fast approaching and I'm sure you are having the staff ready the Hamptons Estate, so what good are these coats to you? The air temperature is rising, and this is way too much jacket for a balmy Long Island eve. I'm sure you have a few sample's lying around and you shouldn't hesitate to send one my way. I would boast to all of my friends how gracious you are, how youthful and macho—a rare man among men. Then I'd ask them to punch me in the arm as hard as they could just to see if I could feel it.

Bear hug to Lizzie Grubman for me