Hey there, sweet feet.

Dear Renee Zellweger,
I am a poor country girl.
Last year, I saw you walking down the red carpet at the Oscars in some disco heels that changed my life.

Well, they would change my life if I had them. Did I mention I am a poor country girl? If I had your Christian Laboutin mirror-y, glitterrific pumps, I would wear them in my poor country kitchen when I make meatballs. I would wear them when I got my Netflix out of the mailbox. Hey, Postman Bob, did my shiny feet just blind you? Careful! Drive the mailtruck slowly for a few blocks until your eyes readjust. I would wear them when I folded my burly husband's tee shirts while softly singing a church song.

Anyways, I was thinking those shoes look like they pinch. You're a big movie star and not some country girl so you shouldn't have to tolerate such nonsense. I can handle pinching because I am a woman with strong legs who can lift a cow if needed. And I'd like to do it in those twinkle toes shoes. If you get them in Fedex today I could have them by Wednesday so I could wear them with Leslie Mann's disco ball dress from this year's Oscars. Which means I have another letter to write. What an outfit! Dear Leslie Mann...