Heavy, heavy ears. Let me ease your burden, sister.

Dear Angelina Jolie,

With all you do for the U.N., the poor of the world and your own diverse brood of wee ones, why must you burden your tiny self with such heavy earrings? Please, woman. You've done enough.

First of all, have you seen your neck? It's like a pencil for God's sake. I can only imagine that today, the day after the 09 Oscars, you are laid up in Namibia wearing one of those halo contraptions that broke-neck surfers always get themselves into. The headache must be intolerable.

Let me help. Let me give back.

Just pop those earrings into a bubble wrap envelope and have Brad run them over to the post office. I will wear them all the time when I am doing good works and if they make me ache with the burden of my own selflessness, then so be it!


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